A whole bunch of British Guys on a Ship
by Huntress16
Summary: Aubrey is a bit too close to the Mids. Maturin doesn't just use those supplies for medical purposes. Pullings is a crazed manic depressant.While Calamy is hooked on caffine and Blakney is obssesed with PotC. My crazed Twinnkiee fed story comes alive.


Okay...So this is my first story for Master and Commander. I like to write those serious drama stories, too but I usually get them to end up as some stupid slapstick hee-haw laugh-in. Most of the characters' malfunctions reveal themselves in later chapters. Tell me what you think so I write more. Note: If I butcher the charecters's personalities...if I rip down the shrine that is O'Brien and Peter Weir....if I burn down the Temple that is 19th century British Naval stories don't be mad at me. It's just my style. I don't have much sanctaty for anythin anyway and in the list of respect the O' Brien novels are in the top 5.  
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The Movie starts off with a calm and quiet ocean then all a sudden you see these huge white letters block you view of that ever so calming ocean that you looked so forward to. The letters read, that is if you are literate,.....  
  
_H.M.S. Surprise _

_28 guns _

_197 souls (not counting the moose in the third scene to the left) _

_N. coast Brazil, April 1805  
  
ADMIRALTY ORDERS To Cpt. J. Aubrey Intercept French Naval War Frigate, ACHERON en route to Pacific INTENT ON CARRYING THE WAR INTO THOSE WATERS  
  
...Sink, Burn or take her a Prize.  
  
P.S. Don't forget to bring home turkey dinner....  
_  
(You see the inside of the ship swaying. The camera pans throughout the interior. A man is holding a lantern and you can dimly see the inside. Light shines on cannons and you see names like 'Jumpin' Billy, Sudden Death, and Beelzebub' but then the light falls on a purple ribbon infested cannon with the name 'The Purple Unicorn'. The light stops and you can see the man's hand reach out and give it loving pat. The Marine standing guard scoots as far away from said man. The night watch changes.)  
  
(It is now morning.....)  
  
Killick: (talking to chickens) Come on, come on, love...I mean...uhhh....what we did last night was for usAnd us only! (shifty eyes Grabs egg from hen and hurries off. You then realize... 'Oh my dear sweet god! Was he wearing no pants!!!! For all that is holy, NO!!!' For indeed if you watch he isn't. Even ask the chicken.....)  
  
Slade: Starboard Bow ahoy!  
  
(Hollom walks up with his telescope....yeah, he thinks he looks pretty cool with his telescope and lookin like he's all important...but no....that's what he wants to think.)  
  
Gibbs (yes, the same one from Pirates of the Caribbean): Its bad luck to have women on board. (referring to Hollom)  
  
(Hollom spins around)  
  
Hollom: Who the hell are you?!  
  
Gibbs: I'm and old salty sailor who tells superstitions and has biggest arse sideburns you could ever see.  
  
Hollom: Sorry, but we already have Old Joe and Killick...seems like your out of a job.  
  
Gibbs: (Mumbles) Damn...(and shuffles off)  
  
Hollom: What is it Slade?  
  
Slade: I thought I heard something, it sounded like a bell...or I could be hearing things again...I got to stop stealing those five leaf herbs from the doctor...  
  
Hollom: (blank stare) (pretends he didn't hear) Native fishermen perhaps...  
  
Slade: ...Or a reef marker, sir,...or a mermaid on a reef marker...or a party of mermaids and flying Monkeys sittin' on a reef marker drinkin' taquela and...  
  
Hollom: (cuts him off) Mr. Calamy the lead if you please!  
  
Sailor: _By the mark, five fathoms!  
_  
Calamy: _Five Fathoms!  
_  
Hollom looks through the telescope sees shadow of what appears to be a ship.  
  
Sailor: _Sand and Broken shell.  
_  
Calamy: _I didn't ask for your damn shell collection! Oh I mean...Sand and broken shell.  
_  
(All a sudden Hollom sees a parasol floating in the water...then a small boy floating on a raft...then the whole crew sees this burning ship)  
  
Gibbs: Everyone's thinkin' it I just sayin' it...Pirates.  
  
Hollom: (spins around again) God damn it! Stop popping out of thin air! And I told you already that we don't need you!  
  
Gibbs:( mummbles) oh.... (shuffles off)  
  
Calamy: What is it?  
  
Hollom: Um... Two points off the starboard bow, in the fog bank.  
  
Calamy: What was it? A sail...a mermaid on a sail...a mermaid and...  
  
Hollom: (Gives Calamy an odd look and scoots to the left) I don't know what it was.  
  
Calamy: Should we beat to quarters...or to 25 cents...  
  
Hollom: I can't be certain.  
  
Calamy: Your officer of the watch. Hollom, you must make a decision. (turns to crew) We shall beat to Quarters!  
  
Random Sailor: Oh good! I love this game! Run around and pretend your doing something important!  
  
(everyone just starts randomly running around and there is a guy just randomly standing in a corner beating a drum)  
  
(cut to captains quarters...you see Aubrey slowly getting up, big long stretch, and slowly getting dressed)  
  
Jack: (whistling 'Mary had a little lamb') Oh damn! Killick didn't wash my lucky socks...oh well. (puts on socks)  
  
(On Deck)  
  
Pullings: (Smacks head against hand )It is beating TO quarters, not beating two quarters.  
  
(The men who had gathered round and pulled out pocket change suddenly disperse.)   
  
Pullings: Jesus! And you would think, were British and don't even have quarters...  
  
(Pullings sulks off mumbling, obviously rather depressed over the "two quarters" incident.)   
  
(The Captain emerges from below deck)  
  
Aubrey: Damn it. Why did you have to wake me up at this ungodly hour?  
  
Calamy: Its 6 am, Sir.  
  
Aubrey: Oh well still, I was having a rather pleasant dream...it involved me, you, Hollom, Mr. Blakney, Mr. Pullings, Mr. Mowett...who was dressed up like cupid, also a bath tub full of tomato juice and 15 inches of rubber hose...  
  
(Silence)  
  
Aubrey:( looks around )...or not.  
  
(Hollom pretends he didn't hear)  
  
Hollom: Two points of the starboard bow, Sir. Not a mile distant.  
  
Aubrey: You sure, Mr. Hollom?  
  
Hollom: Yes, Sir.  
  
Aubrey: Are you really sure, Mr. Hollom?  
  
Hollom: ...um...yes, Sir.  
  
Aubrey: Are you really really sure, Mr. Hollom?  
  
Hollom: Looks confused...I...I ...I DON'T KNOW!!!!! begins to cry  
  
Aubrey: Good, just wanted to make sure.  
  
(every one gives Aubrey a dirty look)  
  
Aubrey: WHAT?! Fine...(in mock voice)...I'm sorry Mr. Hollom, I wont do it again.  
  
(At this point all the officers are really uncomfortable with the situation)  
  
Aubrey: Was it a man of war?  
  
Hollom: ...uhh...I don't know, Sir.  
  
Aubrey: Do you know ANYTHING?  
  
Hollom: ...It was only for a moment, I thought I saw a shape.  
  
Aubrey: That is not exactly considered a good thing, Mr. Hollom. Maybe you should she the Doctor....did you see it Mr. Calamy?  
  
Calamy: uh, no sir. I don't do drugs, Sir.  
  
Aubrey: You did the right thing, Mr. Hollom. Go to your stations...except for Mr. Hollom. I think the Doctor should give you a drug test.  
  
Hollom: but I don't do drugs.  
  
Aubrey: What ever you say...the drugged up mind judges poorly...  
  
(all leave) (Aubrey stays for another look in the glass)  
  
Aubrey: Oooh, fire works....oh crap. DOWN ALL HANDS DOWN!!!  
  
Random sailor: But we never had them up to begin with. Ow! I think that was a cannon ball. Yep, it was a cannon ball all right. Bloody French! (dies because of cannon ball wound)  
  
(Ship gets pulverized with French cannon balls, grapeshot, and French cheese.)   
  
Aubrey: Damn it now we look like Swiss cheese and smell like French cheese. This is just slightly Embarrassing. to Mr. Pullings 18 pounders.  
  
Pullings: By Jove that's a lot of cheese...  
  
Aubrey: We're going to have to get closer to poke his eye. Run out the starboard battery.  
  
Pullings: But I don't wanna poke his eye..its all slimy.  
  
Aubrey: You'll poke his eye when I say poke his eye!  
  
Pullings: Aye, Sir.  
  
(Every one runs around randomly...again. Killick gets some hard tac to stand up against the French cheese.)  
  
Calamy: There, that ought to teach them that our naval food is more potent and biologically dangerous than theirs.  
  
(The Surprise receives a broadside from the Acheron Most of the gun crew is now either shot up or covered in cheese)  
  
(Mr. Pullings is seen with a large wedge of cheese stuffed in his mouth on the floor and unconscious)  
  
Calamy: Mr. Pullings, Sir! Davies, Jemey, get Mr. Pullings below!  
  
(on top deck)  
  
Blakeney: Hum...I wonder what all the fuss is about...the crew must be doing another one of those Historical battle reenactments.  
  
(The Surprise receives another broadside from the Acheron)  
  
(Blakeney is seen now with what looks like a pincushion of an arm)  
  
Blakeney: I guess it's not a reenactment. Damn, this will not end well...  
  
Allen: Sir! To the Taffrail!  
  
Aubrey: Crap. What's the taffrail again?  
  
Bonden: The rudder's shot away. The steering won't answer. Though it never answered or returned my calls to begin with.  
  
Allen: We're fish in a barrel.  
  
Bonden: I mean, one time the taff rail even stood me up on a date. I even wore a suite too...bloody taff rail.  
  
(cut to Doctor's Cockpit)  
  
Stephan: Why are we not firing?  
  
(Stephan receives blank stares)  
  
Stephan: Uhh... hello? Why are we not firing?  
  
Pullings: I think the men you are trying to talk to are all dead.  
  
Stephan: oh! So they are! (laughs) Well, then, that's kind of embarrassing. (Laughs again)  
  
(Pullings heads for the deck, obviously a bit freaked out at the Doctor right now.)  
  
(on Deck)  
  
Aubrey: ah, Pullings. Glad to have you join me.  
  
Pullings: Well actually I think the Doctor has gotten into his cocoa leaves again.  
  
Aubrey: Yes, well you'll get used to it after a while. Call the gun crews to deck. Rig man-ropes over the stern and pull the boats in.  
  
Pulling: (thinking) _What the heck is he saying? God, I shouldn't have just skimmed my way through high school.  
_  
Aubrey: Put us in that fog, Tom.  
  
Pullings: (Thinking) _Thank you Lord for letting him explain that one. And its MR. Pullings to you! _(mumbling )Stupid captain, no respect, I swear.  
  
(cut to boats)  
  
Hollar: Pull men, pull like you're pulling a Frenchman off your mother!  
  
Sailor: what if your mother is a French man?  
  
(all the men in said sailor's boat scoot away from said sailor.)  
  
Sailor: I swear, no one likes me.  
  
(after failed attempts of trying to get the men to sing row, row, row your boat they finally get into the fog bank) (Calamy is still sore that he couldn't get the men to after demonstrating it himself)  
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Okay, so this isn't my best work ever but come on.... how good can you get when you haven't slept all night and you're also high on Twinkies and cocoa cola. Sorry it skipped around a lot but the battle scene kinda does that. Next chapters will be better, I swear. But I also swore I wouldn't steal Nelson's statue in Trafalgar square and that didn't go to well...Scotland Yard didn't like that case.


End file.
